Secretary-General Identifies Source of Somalian Problem: Somalis.

NO-SUCH-THING-AS-ARMENIANS-CITY, SATURDAY: The Secretary-General of the United Nazis, General Wan-Ker Loon, announced today that after careful study of none of the facts he has identified that the crisis in Somalia will probably continue so long as there are still some Somalis left alive.
Speaking in Turkey from the steps of the Monument to the Elimination of Superfluous Kurds, the General proclaimed that the Conference on the Final Solution to the Somali Question had been extremely successful, a success he attributed to the utter absence of any Somalis from the Conference who were not on salary from the CIA.
“Let’s face it,” said His Loonship, “these dark-skinned people are forever jabbering in foreign tongues and make all sorts of ridiculous demands which no civilised person would stomach for a moment. It’s about time the master races said enough is enough — and what possible better master race is there than a Korean?”
Asked about the situation in Mogadiscio, General Loon admitted that as a result of certain unavoidable technical restructurings and strategic reconfigurations, the territory occupied by the African Union peacekeepers had shrunk to approximately the size of half a rugby-field. “But it is a very peaceful rugby-field, thanks to our policy of levelling the playing-fields, and indeed, levelling most of Mogadiscio.”
Asked where the internationally recognised unelected government of Somalia imposed by Ethiopian invasion was, UberLoon said coyly, “You should ask the captain of the nuclear aircraft carrier U.S.S. Haveaniceday which is currently deployed to the Arabian Gulf region in pursuit of pirates and anti-Semites on behalf of the International Criminal Court.”
That Generalisation explained that the problem was not simply a very large number of Somalis who regrettably showed their refusal to submit to a government lawfully chosen for them by Central Command by shooting at it. “Somalis also burn wood, thus emitting carbon dioxide which is notoriously a greenhouse gas. They catch fish, and the oceans are notoriously becoming depleted preventing me from getting all the sushi I want. What is more, not all of them pay taxes or duty on their imports. Since Somalia has no currency, they are all money-launderers. In short, they are nothing more than an international syndicate of organised criminals, and we in the United Nazis are not prepared to tolerate competition.”


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