WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Defense Chuck “Steak” Hagel revealed today that the U.S. would abandon its project to defend Poland against mythical Iranian missiles, and would instead concentrate all its efforts on defending Alaska against mythical North Korean missiles.
The Secretary, speaking from within a strait-jacket and wearing a hat previously worn by Emperor Napoleon I, explained that as a result of financial constraints brought on by the campaign against mythical financial problems, the U.S. could no longer mobilise sufficient resources to crush all its imaginary enemies. It would have to prioritise in its response to things existing only in the diseased brains of its leaders.
Secretary Hagel faced tough questions from some opponents of the Obama administration, demanding a more substantive response to an ever-increasing body of nonsensical inventions which U.S. politicians have generated in recent years. Senator Hiram Barkingmad (R-Dementia) wished to know whether Secretary Hagel’s notorious anti-Semitism would mean that American-supplied black helicopters under al-Qaeda control would be used to drive all the Jews in Israel into the sea. Secretary Hagel reassured the Senator that however many cutbacks in American national security against made-up opponents had to be made in response to nonexistent financial constraints, all commitments to defend Israel against threats fantasised by Israeli lunatics would be strictly honoured.
More criticism came from Loon E Wackdoodle, Representative for a deeply inbred area of the Kentucky Appalachians and thus by definition a Republican. Representative Wackdoodle noted that the Secretary was proposing to scale back on U.S. Homeland Security against possible invasions by unicorns in order to concentrate on the threat to the US Navy posed by mermaids. Had not the Secretary noticed the strategic potential of unicorn horns, to say nothing of their hooves? Was this not an attempt to get unicorns declared a protected species, thus furthering rampant political correctness and undermining the right of God-fearing U.S. bearers of arms to shoot however many unicorns they might wish to in the spirit of Paul Revere?
Secretary Hagel acknowledged the froth and spittle spattered across the press conference by Representative Wackdoodle, but explained that it was entirely possible that nonexistent mermaids might distract U.S. naval personnel from the execution of their duties in sensitive areas, and therefore it was necessary to provide all such personnel with anti-mermaid sunglasses, the frames for which would, coincidentally, be manufactured in Representative Wackdoodle’s district. He concluded by thanking all those present for their zany absurdities, without which U.S. government policy would hardly be able to carry on in its current preposterous form.